Why I Choose to be a Freelancer...

I remember answering questions in my Pageant Interview for Miss Utah.

Top 5 Interview at the Miss Utah Pageant

"What will you choose?  Career or Family?  You say you want both." 

I genuinely answered that I would find a happy balance -- always putting my children first, yet I would continue to climb the ladder as a TV Journalist. 

And I believed every word I said.

Years later, working hard to turn those words into reality, the challenges and guilt swat me in the face.  The truth is, as a woman, if you are going to do both -- you are going to feel torn.  Being there to teach your child their ABC's or being the first on the scene to report breaking news -- it's a choice.  And often you don't get to have both.  Many of the female professionals I have worked with tell me the facade of having it all comes with great sacrifices.  Missing birthday parties, missing soccer games, missing first words....having someone else wipe your child's tears.  Those women who sit behind the anchor desk care about their children too...But they made a choice.  And if they work full-time, someone else is raising their children. Their choice means they may be background noise in your living room, while you're cooking dinner at 5 o'clock...but they are not with their families at dinner time.

I recently had lunch with one of my BYU professors, who worked in TV for decades.  He said, "I didn't realize I REALLY had a wife and kids until I left reporting for teaching."  TV News is just that consuming...an amazing watchdog career that I enjoy - exhilarating and fun....but consuming, nonetheless.

Reporting on Wildfire Evacuations in Summit County 

I enjoy being a mom who works part-time.  I think it's wonderful for women to get out and relish in what made them feel brilliant and successful before they became experts in swaddling, spit-up and the Who's Who on Disney Jr. 

For six months, I reported weekends at KUTV-2News.   It came as a blessing, as we were looking for some extra money to pay off Sienna's Medical Expenses.  Jody was able to watch Gracie and Sienna while I was off chasing down headlines.  He was working weekdays.   I taught my classes at the high school weekday mornings, and then left for work on Saturday/Sunday.  We were very busy, and finding time to be all together was difficult.



In September, one of the Executive Producers asked me if I would be interested in pursuing the full-time position that encompasses weekends.  I have been freelancing with KUTV 2News since 2009, and a consistent schedule with the news team sounded heavenly!!!  But before I could entertain the idea of finally getting my own desk and maybe even one of those 2News windbreaker jackets...my heart was made up.  Notice I didn't say my mind was made up.  Because I made this decision with my heart.   

I couldn't work 40+ hours a week.  It would mean quitting on 100 high school students who call me their teacher during periods A2 and B2.  But so much greater....I couldn't miss out on preschool field trips, finger painting masterpieces, helping my 5-year-old learn to read, potty-training my 2-year-old.  {And you may be thinking, 'ya...you should opt out of the potty training if possible'...But I can't.  Because I KNOW it's my responsibility.  Not the job of a nanny, or my mom or MIL.}   

And I want to do it. 

I do.   

So I declined the full-time offer.  I asked the News Director to create a Part-Time Position for me.  It didn't happen.   My last 'official' weekend, a sea of reporters were waiting for a press conference to begin.  While chatting with the others, I explained to a reporter from KSL my decision.  She said nothing.  But she didn't have to.  Her face said it all.  She squinted her eyes; raised her eyebrows.  I knew what she was thinking,

"Career Suicide.  You are 31, Brittany.  This was your chance.  You're not getting any younger.  And in TV News there is always someone prettier and younger; with equal talents in writing and on air delivery....it's competitive."

True.    

But I want my children to know I chose them.  Because when I considered what I would take with me into the next life when this one is over....the first thing that popped into my head was NOT my ability to write a catchy, staccato lead in active voice....or whether my face is on a billboard promoting fair and accurate coverage.

I will, however, take the lessons of love and patience that can only be learned by being an involved parent.  I am blessed that I don't need to work full-time.  That is a luxury I have.  That brings me to Annie-Marie Slaughter's piece in The Atlantic:  Why Women Can't Have It All

Having it all doesn't exist.

It's not possible.

"It’s time to stop fooling ourselves, says a woman who left a position of power: The women who have managed to be both mothers and top professionals are superhuman, rich, or self-employed."

I'm none of the above. It's a devastating realization.  Ha ha!   But in all seriousness, as I get older, I am realizing there is no such thing as having it all.  Now before you shake your head, and think,

I am so happy and figuratively -- I feel like I have everything and then some.

You must realize I'm talking about the specifics here: Working nearly 60 hours a week in a booming career, climbing the corporate ladder, raising presentable and lovely children, being supportive to your husband and keeping him happy, keeping the laundry basket empty and the fridge full...come on.   I just had a panic attack reading that list.  And balancing a career and kids; geesh -- It's hard.   And I'm learning it comes with tremendous sacrifice.  I know many Stay At Home Mothers who feel like they still fall short, even when they are with their children all day long.  That's because the 'To Do' list for a mother never ends.

Women who chose to become mothers are amazing!  And by saying they "can't have it all" is not doubting their abilities, it's simply reality. Again my definition of "having it all" is NOT joy, contentment and happiness. Because all women can and are entitled to that. Any new mother who holds her infant for the first time will feel empowered and yet humbled at the same time.   It's because mothers hold the key to the future.

"In attempting to have it all, never forget that if we don't have love, joy, peace, tranquility and an ability to be truly present in our lives that we don't have it all anyway. We really don't have anything."

I may just be a forever freelancer. 

And that's okay. 

I'll hold that microphone once a month - maybe more.  But know when you don't see me on TV, it's because I'm holding something much more important.  You can trust I'll be snuggling my little ones, holding them tight and probably chasing after my two-year-old through the grocery store.  We'll be laughing and singing into spatulas and whisks in the kitchen, playing dress-up, or I may be listening to how my five-year-old loves me "100 pounds".

And that is much better than just okay.

Because women can't do everything all in the same season.  And "Having It All" is not an equalizer to happiness.    

No.  

In fact, we were sent to this earth to chose the parts that would bring us joy.  Choosing is the main challenge and privilege in this beautiful journey.  Some of the happiest people are those who have very little, however they know their heart is in the right place.  Balancing a career, raising bright-eyed children, being a supportive wife, serving in your church and community,  making it to the gym, fixing gourmet (or in my case, we'll say edible) meals, crafting, serving our neighbors, and being punctual, accommodating, yet strong willed all in the same day is challenging. 

So give a little.  Choose the BEST parts.    

I believe I have.