No Need to Apologize

I am a mother of girls. 

I know about dance recitals, princess dress-ups, the cheapest place to buy quality hair bows and the importance of buying a hairspray that will hold - but not stick.  I understand the difference between Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy ponies, the difference between sizes 6 and 6x, that getting ready for church takes WAY longer than you think, and knowing that if they won't wear the shoes in the store when they are trying them on….well….they will never wear them.  Period.  

We believe in mermaids at our house.  We burst into song and twirl unexpectedly.  Spatulas are magic wands.  We giggle.  (A lot.)  We do sparkles, glitter, and we make grand entrances.    

But before you think I am trying to lead my daughters down a completely stereotypical path - please know my oldest daughter doesn't like the color pink - never has.  Blue is her favorite color.  She has a thing for dinosaurs too.  And my middle little, Sienna, she plays Soccer, T-Ball and loves to play with roly-poly bugs….and she will choose to do all of that - while wearing a tutu and tiara.  

They are their own little people, with their own dynamic personalities.  I am trying to help them find their strengths, interests and niche.  

When we found out we were expecting our third girl, I had similar conversations with friends, coworkers and those I had never met.

During one such conversation, I announced Baby Number Three was a healthy baby girl to which the woman with whom I was speaking raised her eyebrows - did a laugh/cough thing and said, 

"Oh, I am so sorry."

Not sure if she was trying to be funny or sincerely sorry for me, I was shocked by her response.  I went on talking...explaining we were very excited to add to our family.  Looking back I was frustrated with myself; upset that in the moment I was too startled by her comment to tell her there was no reason for her to feel sorry for me.  

I would soon get a do-over, because apparently more than just this one individual feels sorrow for my circumstance.  

It happened again.  The "I am sorry" comment.  

This time, I was ready.  

I responded by saying I couldn't wait to be the mother of 3 little girls.  To which the woman responded with another backhanded comment: 

"Well, your poor husband."  

Nope.  Wrong again.  Not my poor husband.  His daughters ADORE him.  They CHERISH the time they get to spend with him.  They want to go fishing with him.  They want to go running with him.   They want to LEARN from him.  They fight over who gets to sit next to him at the dinner table.   Jody and I have talked about this before; I know he is completely satisfied and happy with our family.

I consider myself to be quite open to ridiculous comments.  I hear them all the time working in the news industry.  Everyone has an opinion.  I am totally up for a 'Hope you are saving up for those weddings', 'bring on the drama' or 'time to buy stock in Tampax'  lighthearted comments.   

But "I am sorry"???  "I am sorry THIS is your family"???

Well - I'm not. 

I am not sorry.  I love my family - our dynamic and how God intended our makeup to be.  

Then people always ask, "Well wouldn't you like to have a boy down the road?"  Sure.  That would be great! Who doesn't want to have both genders to draw experience from?  But I would never replace any of my girls with a boy.  Numerous people have told me,

 "You just have to try again to get your boy."

Well…Nope…I won't be trying for a boy!  (Sound harsh?  It's not.)  If I am blessed to be pregnant again…(it's not a cakewalk for me to get and stay pregnant.)  So if I am blessed with a baby in my tummy, it's because we'll be happy to be expecting a FOURTH CHILD.  Another baby to love and embrace.  We would love a girl.  We would love a boy.  And if I never have a son - I am going to be fine…still really happy, folks.   That is hard for some people to wrap their minds around.  But I have learned that although, gender is huge…a child's PERSONALITY is the greater factor in distinguishing who they are and what they will become.

Addie (Baby girl number 3) was only two months old.  I was speaking with an acquaintance who was expecting her third baby.  She already had two beautiful girls.  She was not far enough along to identify gender.  She said to me,

"I just don't know what my husband and I will do if this baby is another girl!  Ugh.  I am just so worried!  We were so disappointed when we found out our first and second were girls."

Perhaps this woman never had a dear friend who experienced miscarriages or infertility to realize so many would give anything to have a baby - gender aside.  She, herself, hadn't known that pain of infertility or miscarriage.   I have lost too many to complain about a double x chromosome.   I feel so deeply for those struggling with that loss.  Losing a baby is emotionally and physically taxing.  A piece of your heart - taken.  

Coming from a family being the only able-bodied child, I know my parents would have LOVED either a son or another daughter if it meant their child wouldn't have to suffer through life with a severe disability.

I don't appreciate the "I am Sorry" comment in regards to my family make-up.  In talking with my friends with all sons - I know some of them say they have heard it too.  (Perhaps, the same group of people going around sympathizing for other people's families.  Ha!)

Before an ultrasound showed Adalynn would be our third girl, I had three different friends, who didn't know each other, tell me,

"If you find out you are having a boy, I will throw you a baby shower."

Their intentions were kind and good.  But Adalynn is not a boy.  And there were no parties thrown for her...as if to say her birth was somehow not as exciting or worth celebrating compared to if her gender had been different.

I get it.

A closet full of pink isn't the best fit for a baby boy.  A baby shower is a kind way to outfit a new baby.  But those of you with 2, 3, 4 or more kids...you know what a newborn onesie looks like after multiple spit-ups and blowouts from multiple babies.  If you are having your third baby - regardless of gender - there's a good chance you could use some new baby clothes.  The take-away here: I have learned it is not another's responsibility to make my kid feel special...that's MY job.  And they will feel my love - no matter if they are the first or the fourth.  They each complete me.  

Life with kids isn't easy.  Life with three girls is no exception.  It's not all tea-parties and manners. They fight.  They slam doors.  They get their feelings hurt (often).  And they whine.  I am sure little boys whine.  But those of you who have multiple daughters know there is something to be said about three girls whining at the same time.

Oh. My. Word.

There are times I can physically see my sanity leaving.  Like a little (let's go with a rabbit wearing a shirt that says "sanity" heading toward my front door.)  Her bags are packed, and she says:

"These conditions aren't working for me...I have to leave now.
There's too much whining."

There are days - I take time-outs for myself.  Because I just need to take a breath....in the closet...by myself.  So I can come out smiling - ready for the next challenge.  And there are days I scream into pillows or just scream out loud...and then I commit to being more patient the next day.  But that's what makes this job so exciting.  Right?  It's in my (unwritten) job description to teach them whining isn't the best option.  It isn't lovely or grateful or becoming.  I am molding little people into (hopefully) respectable and motivated good-doers.  Just the thought of it is...awesome.  Being a mom is such a big deal - it's such an important job.  

My life with three girls is messy.

And I wouldn't change it for the world.  

Families are a gift.  Children are a blessing.  Each of my girls fit.  They are right where they need to be.  I consider it a humbling task to teach them to be spiritually good, kind and anchored in truth.   Goodness knows we could use more compassionate, generous, strong women who understand their divine self-worth.

We need women who are confident - yet not self-absorbed.   Women who are strong - yet sensitive to the needs of others.  Women who realize they ARE enough - because it's how God made them.   And these women start out as girls.  And I have three, who are mine to teach and love.  I am pretty lucky.  It's a responsibility I don't take lightly.  

So bring on the chiffon, lace and can-do attitudes because I have three girls.  And I love it!  

A trio of sisters who will make this world a better place.

We Have Some News....

Chocolate didn't look good.
My brand new liquid eyeliner suddenly smelled like a beef stick...so I buried it in a drawer.
The scent wall plug-in's in my home that used to smell so good - sent me running for the bathroom to throw-up.

Something was happening to me - I was pregnant!



I found out I was expecting the end of November 2013!  I was thrilled.  We had been trying for nearly a year, with some medical complications and a miscarriage mixed in between - so this was great news.

The foods I look forward to at Christmas Time weren't nearly as appetizing.  There were days I sipped on sprite and ate 2 saltines...and avoiding throwing up every time I brushed my teeth was one of my main priorities. 

I started prepping the girls by asking Gracie when we should have another baby.

"Probably when I'm ten," she replied.  "That sounds like a good time.  I just don't want you to get a giant tummy, Mom...okay?"

Well - that was a problem.  The giant tummy was inevitable.  And months later (when I was 9 months pregnant) she was singing a different tune.  Gracie was very complimentary about the expansion in my mid-section.  She told me, all the time, that I looked great.  It made me feel happy.  She was very sweet during my pregnancy, and now that baby Adalynn has arrived, she is a great helper.

Sienna was also excited.  In the beginning, she insisted we name the baby 'toothbrush' or 'twilight sparkle'.  She gave my tummy kisses nearly every day.  We had these pictures taken in November - soon after I found out I was expecting.  Our little family was about to grow.

We would later find out we were expecting our THIRD girl.  Another sister to love and make memories with.  Look at these two; such different personalities...yet even in the moments where they disagree - we all know they could never live without each other.  Sisters have a special bond.  I never had a sister growing up.  I love being the mother of little girls.



The second week of February 2014 - we surprised Grandpa and Grandma Tait with our news.  Jeff, Lacey and their girls and Greg, Kylene and Summer were there too for the announcement.  Gracie and Sienna were WAY excited to tell everyone.  I was 13 weeks.  My talented friend from High School, Kelsey Behrend, made these darling cookies.  Gracie & Sienna offered everyone a cookie...and waited for their reaction!

   We shared the good news on Social Media when I was 15 weeks along.

Why I Choose to be a Freelancer...

I remember answering questions in my Pageant Interview for Miss Utah.

Top 5 Interview at the Miss Utah Pageant

"What will you choose?  Career or Family?  You say you want both." 

I genuinely answered that I would find a happy balance -- always putting my children first, yet I would continue to climb the ladder as a TV Journalist. 

And I believed every word I said.

Years later, working hard to turn those words into reality, the challenges and guilt swat me in the face.  The truth is, as a woman, if you are going to do both -- you are going to feel torn.  Being there to teach your child their ABC's or being the first on the scene to report breaking news -- it's a choice.  And often you don't get to have both.  Many of the female professionals I have worked with tell me the facade of having it all comes with great sacrifices.  Missing birthday parties, missing soccer games, missing first words....having someone else wipe your child's tears.  Those women who sit behind the anchor desk care about their children too...But they made a choice.  And if they work full-time, someone else is raising their children. Their choice means they may be background noise in your living room, while you're cooking dinner at 5 o'clock...but they are not with their families at dinner time.

I recently had lunch with one of my BYU professors, who worked in TV for decades.  He said, "I didn't realize I REALLY had a wife and kids until I left reporting for teaching."  TV News is just that consuming...an amazing watchdog career that I enjoy - exhilarating and fun....but consuming, nonetheless.

Reporting on Wildfire Evacuations in Summit County 

I enjoy being a mom who works part-time.  I think it's wonderful for women to get out and relish in what made them feel brilliant and successful before they became experts in swaddling, spit-up and the Who's Who on Disney Jr. 

For six months, I reported weekends at KUTV-2News.   It came as a blessing, as we were looking for some extra money to pay off Sienna's Medical Expenses.  Jody was able to watch Gracie and Sienna while I was off chasing down headlines.  He was working weekdays.   I taught my classes at the high school weekday mornings, and then left for work on Saturday/Sunday.  We were very busy, and finding time to be all together was difficult.



In September, one of the Executive Producers asked me if I would be interested in pursuing the full-time position that encompasses weekends.  I have been freelancing with KUTV 2News since 2009, and a consistent schedule with the news team sounded heavenly!!!  But before I could entertain the idea of finally getting my own desk and maybe even one of those 2News windbreaker jackets...my heart was made up.  Notice I didn't say my mind was made up.  Because I made this decision with my heart.   

I couldn't work 40+ hours a week.  It would mean quitting on 100 high school students who call me their teacher during periods A2 and B2.  But so much greater....I couldn't miss out on preschool field trips, finger painting masterpieces, helping my 5-year-old learn to read, potty-training my 2-year-old.  {And you may be thinking, 'ya...you should opt out of the potty training if possible'...But I can't.  Because I KNOW it's my responsibility.  Not the job of a nanny, or my mom or MIL.}   

And I want to do it. 

I do.   

So I declined the full-time offer.  I asked the News Director to create a Part-Time Position for me.  It didn't happen.   My last 'official' weekend, a sea of reporters were waiting for a press conference to begin.  While chatting with the others, I explained to a reporter from KSL my decision.  She said nothing.  But she didn't have to.  Her face said it all.  She squinted her eyes; raised her eyebrows.  I knew what she was thinking,

"Career Suicide.  You are 31, Brittany.  This was your chance.  You're not getting any younger.  And in TV News there is always someone prettier and younger; with equal talents in writing and on air delivery....it's competitive."

True.    

But I want my children to know I chose them.  Because when I considered what I would take with me into the next life when this one is over....the first thing that popped into my head was NOT my ability to write a catchy, staccato lead in active voice....or whether my face is on a billboard promoting fair and accurate coverage.

I will, however, take the lessons of love and patience that can only be learned by being an involved parent.  I am blessed that I don't need to work full-time.  That is a luxury I have.  That brings me to Annie-Marie Slaughter's piece in The Atlantic:  Why Women Can't Have It All

Having it all doesn't exist.

It's not possible.

"It’s time to stop fooling ourselves, says a woman who left a position of power: The women who have managed to be both mothers and top professionals are superhuman, rich, or self-employed."

I'm none of the above. It's a devastating realization.  Ha ha!   But in all seriousness, as I get older, I am realizing there is no such thing as having it all.  Now before you shake your head, and think,

I am so happy and figuratively -- I feel like I have everything and then some.

You must realize I'm talking about the specifics here: Working nearly 60 hours a week in a booming career, climbing the corporate ladder, raising presentable and lovely children, being supportive to your husband and keeping him happy, keeping the laundry basket empty and the fridge full...come on.   I just had a panic attack reading that list.  And balancing a career and kids; geesh -- It's hard.   And I'm learning it comes with tremendous sacrifice.  I know many Stay At Home Mothers who feel like they still fall short, even when they are with their children all day long.  That's because the 'To Do' list for a mother never ends.

Women who chose to become mothers are amazing!  And by saying they "can't have it all" is not doubting their abilities, it's simply reality. Again my definition of "having it all" is NOT joy, contentment and happiness. Because all women can and are entitled to that. Any new mother who holds her infant for the first time will feel empowered and yet humbled at the same time.   It's because mothers hold the key to the future.

"In attempting to have it all, never forget that if we don't have love, joy, peace, tranquility and an ability to be truly present in our lives that we don't have it all anyway. We really don't have anything."

I may just be a forever freelancer. 

And that's okay. 

I'll hold that microphone once a month - maybe more.  But know when you don't see me on TV, it's because I'm holding something much more important.  You can trust I'll be snuggling my little ones, holding them tight and probably chasing after my two-year-old through the grocery store.  We'll be laughing and singing into spatulas and whisks in the kitchen, playing dress-up, or I may be listening to how my five-year-old loves me "100 pounds".

And that is much better than just okay.

Because women can't do everything all in the same season.  And "Having It All" is not an equalizer to happiness.    

No.  

In fact, we were sent to this earth to chose the parts that would bring us joy.  Choosing is the main challenge and privilege in this beautiful journey.  Some of the happiest people are those who have very little, however they know their heart is in the right place.  Balancing a career, raising bright-eyed children, being a supportive wife, serving in your church and community,  making it to the gym, fixing gourmet (or in my case, we'll say edible) meals, crafting, serving our neighbors, and being punctual, accommodating, yet strong willed all in the same day is challenging. 

So give a little.  Choose the BEST parts.    

I believe I have.      

All Types of Wonderful...

This wooden sign sits above our stairs. Jody and I were given a gift card, to a home decor store, for our wedding. And we put the money toward this.

At the time, it just seemed right. As a newlywed - life seemed Wonderful. And over the years, this piece of art has hung in our first apartment...and dotted the walls of our different homes. I have walked past this sign thousands of times over the years; Walking out the door for my first day of work at a new job...Rubbing my eyes at three in the morning to feed a crying, hungry baby...Carrying a defiant toddler to her room for a 'Time-Out'...Running to the oven to retrieve burnt cookies...

Recently, after carrying some soiled clothes to the laundry room, I was scrubbing the carpet with one hand, baby Sienna in the other, while cleaning up an 'accident'. (The third one that day.) I looked up to see the words blaring, "It's a Wonderful Life." I smiled to myself and snickered a little. "Really?", I thought.

Yes...Really.

Even lousy days possess hidden wonder. Life is about perspective. We all know this. Life is what we make it. And this day wasn't even that lousy. Goodness Brittany, get it together. You have two healthy kids, a hardworking husband, a roof over your head and so much more for which to be grateful! So maybe this wedding gift is meant to serve as a gratitude reminder of what Wonderful really means. Over the years I have experienced all types of Wonderful. Most of them are simple accomplishments and joys. The 'I tried a new recipe, and it actually tasted good' sort of Wonderful. The 'My laundry room doesn't look like an episode of Hoarders anymore' type of Wonderful. And the 'My baby gives me the best gummy grins' kind of Wonderful!!


And really, the most magnificent type of wonderful for me right now is found in these big eyes and chubby cheeks!!

Motherhood 101

These are some of the things I learned this week about being a Mom:

** Being thrown up on, moments after stepping out of the shower...just adds character.

** Bald Spots can be downright adorable.

** Sleep must be overrated, because I'm not getting any!

** Using the bathroom requires an audience. (If I even try to shut the door for some privacy - here comes the wailing and the little fingers under the door...)

** I got shoved into our pantry by my 3-year-old. (Pathetic right?) Hmmmm...didn't even care. It's dark, It's quiet...Some alone time with an endless supply of food...I'll take it.

** It's possible (Not Comfortable) to fit a mom, 3-year-old and baby on a toddler mattress for "Night Night".

** This is probably the first of MANY pictures taken in this Princess Tent!

** Hearing, "I Love You Mom" NEVER gets old.

** And the big realization I had: Our Children Save Us.

Let me elaborate. Earlier this week, I was having a conversation with a neighbor about the removal of my tumor. She told me I was "too young" to have something like this happen to me. I responded by telling her how grateful I am to an attentive OB/GYN doctor who actually listened to my symptoms and took them seriously. After seeing three different family practice doctors who told me my symptoms were simply 'no big deal' - it was my Obstetrician who really stressed that I needed to have a colonoscopy. And So I Did.

My sweet neighbor, with tears in her eyes, then said while pointing to Sienna:

"It looks like this little one was sent here to save you."
She's right.

My symptoms were so much worse when I was pregnant. And it was because they were extreme that I spoke to my OB doctor, who scheduled us with a GI doctor. Given the doctor's timeline of how the dysplasia in the tumor was just months away from budding through the walls of my colon - if I hadn't been pregnant, I don't think we would have thought to have the procedure done. And then by the time we discovered my situation...it could have been a very different and sad outcome.

I believe Heavenly Father sent Sienna as my 'Saving Hope'. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. And I know that our children do save us. It's the late nights, the spit-up in your hair, the genuine and devoted prayers in behalf of our children that save us from focusing so much on ourselves. Raising children is hard. You hurt when they hurt, you cry when they cry...and then once they are peacefully tucked in bed - You pray so intensely for them.

It's exhausting.

And yet - that love brings you one step closer to our Savior Jesus Christ, and reminds us that life isn't about US...it's about selfless giving.

A Day for the Ducks

While Jodes was out of town wearing his orange and hunting for Bambi, we also spent time with some animals. We single-handedly fed dinner to 50 ducks - with an entire loaf of bread!!


Gracie had a blast!

The colors of fall were beautiful too! This pond is behind my parent's home. Before I got married, when I lived at home for summer semester; I used to run laps on this trail. I had forgotten how pretty it is there.

Michael just chilling with the ducks.

We spent the weekend with my parents while Jody was away. The day before we went to the pond, Michael had come home from Special Needs Mutual with a spider painted on his face. Gracie loved it. She begged my mom to draw a spider on her face. It adds a nice touch to her outfit - don't you think?!

It Could Save Your Life...

I have a new appreciation and gratitude for Carbon Monoxide Alarms. Earlier this month, I came home after a day of errands with Gracie to our smoke alarms screaming. Immediately, I made the assumption that this was a malfunction. There was no smoke in the house, so clearly the alarms had gone off by mistake. When I got on a chair to silence the alarm, I saw that our alarms are both Smoke AND Carbon Monoxide detectors. I felt terrified realizing there must be CO gas in our home.

After a few anxious phone calls, the Lehi Fire Department showed up to test our home. They concluded it was unsafe to be inside, and we were evacuated. The next few hours were filled with visits from the paramedics, Lehi Police, and Questar. (Talk about getting to know your neighbors - just have a flashing fire truck arrive in front of your new house!) :)

Questar Gas determined the CO gas was coming from our furnace. He read levels at 4,000 ppm of Carbon Monoxide inside the furnace. (70 ppm causes a headache, fatigue and nausea. 1,000 ppm causes a coma after prolonged conditions, and levels above 4,000 ppm causes rapid death.)

We never expected anything like this to happen. Who does? Right? Especially with a brand new furnace. However, you never know where there might be an unsafe distribution of CO gas because it's colorless and odorless...and also deadly. Carbon Monoxide can build up in fuel-burning appliances such as furnaces, ranges, water heaters and room heaters; also engine-powered equipment such as portable generators and fireplaces...So PLEASE, check your current CO detectors. Make sure they are working properly. If you don't have some - buy them! I saw them at Costco yesterday for 30 bucks! Well worth the investment. It's frightening to think what would have happened if we hadn't had working alarms. We feel overwhelmed with gratitude. And we're perfectly fine now. The furnace has been cleaned out, equipped with new orphasis valves, and checked and re-checked. Our home is again safe, and we have thankful hearts!